no promises

I have to admit this last year has pretty much sucked.  Mainly because I’ve let it.  The first half of the year I let someone back into my life, briefly, but someone that had already done much damage to my heart and my self-esteem.   I thought things would be different this time.  I should have known better.  Within a month I was worse off than I had been the first time.  Love sucks.

 

I’ve let this work its way into my mind and slowly just eat away at me, day after day.  Last year I had made so much progress with my writing and publishing.  This year the plan had been to continue that.  Ayla should have had the first four issues finished by now and be in trade paperback.  Boxie should be in a trade.  Other books should have been finished.  But none of this has happened.  Yes, I have finished a few things.  Mainly Trump related since my hate for him can over ride any feelings of depression, lol.

 

I’ve never really used the word depression to describe what I’ve gone through this last year, but if I want to be honest with myself, I have to.  I’ve suffered from depression.

 

It’s made it hard to find the energy to write.  It’s made it hard to find the energy or the motivation to do so many things this past year.   Even though I manage to make myself get some things done and move forward it has been like a weight around my neck, just dragging me down.  At first, I wouldn’t want to get out of bed, if I didn’t have work, I might have stayed there for days.  Even now there are times I just want to pull the covers up over my head and just lay there without getting up.

 

It is getting better.   I’ve actually been dating, though that hasn’t worked out so well, not bad enough to make me even more depressed.  More like it’s bad enough to make me laugh about it.  I don’t think about what might have been, how it went wrong, what I did wrong as much as I did.  And when I do think about it I don’t get upset about it, before it would send me in a downward spiral.   Now it still will jump attack in my mind when I least expect it or want it, but it’s more and more like it’s past history, something that I’m moving on from.

 

So what is the purpose of this post?  To bore you all with my whining.  If any of you were my Facebook friends when all this was going down I think you got enough of my whining to last you for an eternity.  No, this is my moving on and putting all this behind me post.  This is my post where I’m pointing towards the future and putting the past where it belongs, behind me.

 

I’ve made some changes that I don’t want to go into that have been more than self-destructive for me.   Done and over with.

 

I’ve let my health slide.  I’m not in the shape I was in when I first was diagnosed with Diabetes, but I’ve added weight and let myself slide some.  My sugar levels are going in the wrong direction.  I’m going to try to start eating better again.  I know I’m not going to be perfect, far from it.  But I need to put the junk food that I had thrown out and stopped eating when I was first diagnosed back behind me again.  I’m at 194 pounds now.  I want to lose at least twenty pounds.  I’m going to post my weight on here as I move forward, hopefully the idea of looking like a complete fool and adding weight instead of subtracting it will be enough to motivate me to lose it.

 

And more importantly, I’m going to focus on my writing again.  I’ve got some great things going forward and I want to continue that.  I’m made some progress this year, just not as much as I had originally had hoped.  But that’s ok, there’s a new year coming and I can just do better this year.

 

Finally my goal for this site was to post a lot more often.  I want this site to reflect my writing, but also my personal life too.  This is where I want to post my thoughts about whatever catches my mind at that moment, where I complain about what happened today, what’s going on in my writing, etc.  I want this to be like my old blog, as I mentioned in my last post on here too many weeks ago.  I’d like to make this a daily thing, so some posts may be long and informative, while others may be short and leave you wondering why I even bothered, lol.  But at this moment I’m not going to promise daily posts.  I’ll settle for weekly and hope we can move into something closer to daily.

 

So let’s see how well I do this time.

 

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